Change is a Choice

by Jul 16, 2012

“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” Wayne Dyer

Most of the advice you’ll find out there on dealing with a workplace bully is just that, dealing with a bully. Talk to HR using facts and dates, document everything, keep doing your work well, find a witness to back your story up, file a law suit, etc. This is all helpful of course, but I would argue there’s a major first step most advice-givers are missing.

Attribution theory describes the ways in which people explain behaviors of others and themselves. External attribution (also known as external locus of control) assigns causes of behavior to outside factors such as luck or even the weather. Internal attribution (internal locus of control) assigns causality to factors within ourselves or within that other person. Skills and personal abilities are an example.

Whether we attribute ours or others’ behaviors to internal or external factors is a choice. And, we often choose to attribute negative happenings to outside forces, and positive happenings to ourselves. As a teacher I know that students who receive A’s in my courses will attribute the grade to their own hard work, and students who receive an F will approach me with the question “Why did you give me an F?” It’s as predictable as the sunrise. On a more personal level, during arguments with spouses or family members we often blame the other party for the issue at hand, and very rarely do we stop to take a good hard look at the part we played in the yelling match.

With attribution theory in mind, ask yourself why you’re being picked on specifically instead of the other people at your workplace. What is it about YOUR particular relationship with the bully that is turning it into such a negative experience? What part do you play in the scenarios acted out between you and your bully? What makes you different than others who are not picked on? What signals are you sending the bully with your communication style? Do you fail to make eye contact with him or her? Are your shoulders hunched over instead of pushed back in a manner of pride? Are you claiming the bully has issues and you are perfectly innocent bystander?

As much as it may hurt at first to take some responsibility in what’s happening, understand that you are not a simple passerby in your life. Though it may feel like it, your bully is not the WB’s cartoon Tasmanian Devil swirling through at record speeds knocking anything and anyone out of the way at random. The bully has chosen YOU. You play SOME part in the interaction and communication processes at play here. And when you take responsibility for what’s happening to you, it’s easier to make a change. When you attribute your experiences to the bully, you feel like you have no control over the situation. Change then becomes impossible.

Think about the control you turn over to the bully when you say things like, “He makes me feel depressed and anxious.” Now try saying, “I feel depressed and anxious,” and see how much power and empowerment even those simple words can bring you.

Victor Frankl, a famous neurologist and psychiatrist once said, “The last of the human freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.” It’s certainly very easy to blame the bully for the horrible treatment and have a bad attitude about your situation, understandably so. But find out what part you play in the interactions with your bully, take responsibility for it, and make a change. This might be a change in your body language, your attitude, your conflict management style, or your way of thinking.

I’m certainly not saying this is your fault. But I am saying you have the power to change your situation by changing the way you’re looking at it. Absolutely you do.

Do you know how much money chronically bad behavior costs your company? Spoiler alert – it’s a LOT higher than you want it to be. Download our data and worksheet to see how it’s costing your organization and what you can do to fix it.

 

Catherine

About Catherine Mattice

Catherine Mattice, MA, SPHR, SHRM-SCP, is the founder/CEO of Civility Partners, an organizational development firm focused on helping organizations create respectful workplace cultures and specializing in turning around toxic cultures. Civility Partners’ clients range from Fortune 500’s to small businesses across many industries. Catherine is a TEDx speaker and an HR thought-leader who has appeared in such venues as USA Today, Bloomberg, CNN, NPR, and many other national news outlets as an expert. She’s an award-winning speaker, author and blogger, and has 50+ courses reaching global audiences on LinkedIn Learning. Catherine’s award-winning book, BACK OFF! Your Kick-Ass Guide to Ending Bullying at Work, was hailed by international leadership-guru, Ken Blanchard, as, “the most comprehensive and valuable handbook on the topic.” Her latest book is Navigating Toxic Work Environments For Dummies (Wiley).

Navigating the Era of “Quiet DEI”

Companies across industries are changing how they talk about Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI). Not too long ago, DEI was splashed across annual reports, websites, and conference stages. Now? The phrase itself has become a political lightning rod, and many...

3 Cultural Faux Pas You Might Not Realize You’re Making

Cultural missteps happen to everyone, even the most seasoned leaders and global brands.  Recently, American Eagle launched a campaign featuring actress Sydney Sweeney with the tagline “Sydney Sweeney Has Great Genes.” The pun on “jeans” was meant to be playful, but it...

HR, Are You Part of the Incivility Problem?

You already know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of workplace “drama.” Complaints about rudeness, tension between team members, and employees quietly disengaging are all part of the daily grind. You know it’s expensive. You know it’s draining for you to...

4 Strategies to Infiltrate Civility Into Your Global Organization

At its core, civility is the foundation of a thriving culture. It shapes how people communicate, lead, resolve tension, and show up, especially when challenges arise. Civility doesn’t look the same everywhere, however. What feels respectful in one culture might come...

Is It Okay To Bully AI?

According to a Pew Research Center study, 79% of Americans interact with artificial intelligence (AI) almost constantly or several times a day. Gartner predicts that by 2026, 80% of enterprises will be using generative AI in some form. That means we’re not just...

What Exactly is Civility vs. Incivility?

August is National Civility Month! Civility has recently climbed to the top of search trends, and with SHRM’s #CivilityAtWork initiative, the conversation is gaining real traction. But here’s the question: do you truly understand what civility means in the workplace?...

Is your workforce survey measuring the right things?

Many HR leaders rely on employee surveys to gauge the health of the workplace culture, but not all surveys are created equal. Whether you're using an engagement survey, a Great Place to Work® survey, or another tool, the question is: Are you gathering the right data?...

Conscious Unbossing: Why Gen Z Is Saying “No Thanks” to Leadership Roles

According to DDI’s Global Leadership Forecast 2025, 80% of HR professionals lack confidence in their leadership pipelines. CEOs are just as concerned, ranking “developing the next generation of leaders” among their top four worries. Gen Z is shaking things up. They’re...

The Workplace Culture Model Every Leader Needs to Know

We all want a workplace where people feel seen, heard, and valued. But building that kind of culture takes more than good intentions and inspirational posters. It demands a clear-eyed look at how people behave, how leaders lead, and how the organization itself either...

From Desperation to Determination: Reflecting on 16 Years of Growth

I just got an email from a spammer offering SEO help for my very old website — www.NoWorkplaceBullies.com. I hadn’t thought about that site in ages, so I typed in the link... and there it was. The original website I built the day I started my business — though it...