Wait… before you come for me, hear me out.
As a coach who specializes in working with leaders who engage in toxic behavior, I’ve noticed a pattern that might surprise you: toxic leaders aren’t always the villains we assume they are.
I know. Stay with me.
When you hear “toxic leader,” you probably picture someone who knows exactly what they’re doing. Someone who humiliates employees, throws their weight around, and enjoys watching people squirm.
Those leaders absolutely exist.
But many of the toxic leaders I’ve coached aren’t sitting in their offices plotting how to ruin someone’s Tuesday. They genuinely have no idea they’re toxic.
In fact, many believe they’re good leaders.
They call themselves direct, driven, honest, or passionate. Meanwhile, their employees are walking on eggshells, dreading meetings, second-guessing themselves, and quietly updating their résumés.
That’s the problem: their intent and their impact live in two completely different realities.
And no, being unaware doesn’t give them a free pass. Harm is still harm. But if we assume every toxic leader deliberately sets out to hurt people, we’re going to approach the problem all wrong.
The first step to changing a toxic leader is getting them to realize they’re one.
So, How Can a Toxic Leader Not Know They’re Toxic?
Check out these three signs:
1. They’re genuinely surprised when someone calls out their behavior.
When we coach leaders who engage in toxic behavior, we anonymously interview their team, create a document with the themes from the interview, and share those themes directly with the leader.
I’ve watched leaders look genuinely stunned by what they hear.
“What? I’m intimidating?”
“I was only trying to help.”
They’re not always pretending to be surprised. Many truly didn’t know people experienced them that way.
The leader thinks, I’m holding people accountable.
The employee thinks, If I make a mistake, I’m going to get humiliated.
Same interaction. Two completely different experiences. Again, that doesn’t excuse the behavior. Intent doesn’t erase impact. But recognizing that a leader genuinely lacks awareness changes how you address the problem.
2. They get results, so nobody has challenged them
This one shows up all the time with high performers. The leader hits the numbers. They bring in revenue. They know the business inside and out. They solve problems nobody else can solve.
So everyone quietly tolerates the collateral damage.
Years go by, and the leader receives promotions, raises, bonuses, and praise for their results. Then someone finally tells them their behavior has become a serious organizational problem.
Of course they’re shocked. Think about the message the organization has sent them.
For years, the company rewarded what they accomplished while ignoring how they accomplished it. Nobody told them that their behavior created fear, turnover, burnout, or unnecessary conflict. In some cases, the organization practically trained them to believe that their approach works.
Then HR suddenly arrives with a list of complaints and expects an immediate personality transplant. That’s not exactly a recipe for self-awareness.
3. They think their behavior is good leadership
Toxic leaders rarely describe themselves as toxic. They use much nicer words.
“I have high standards.”
“I tell it like it is.”
“I push people because I know what they’re capable of.”
“I don’t sugarcoat things.”
And sometimes those statements are true. Leaders should have standards. They should give honest feedback. They should hold people accountable.
But there’s a difference between accountability and humiliation. There’s a difference between direct communication and condescension. There’s a difference between challenging someone and making them afraid to speak.
When leaders can’t see those distinctions, they cause enormous damage while believing they’re doing exactly what a strong leader should do.
That’s why telling someone to “stop being toxic” rarely accomplishes much. If they don’t believe their behavior is toxic in the first place, the label only makes them defensive.
You have to get specific.
What did they do? How often does it happen? What impact does it have on other people? What does that behavior cost the team and the organization? And what should they do differently?
That conversation gives them something they can actually work with.
Unaware Doesn’t Mean Harmless
None of this means organizations should shrug their shoulders and say, “Well, they didn’t mean to hurt anyone.”
Absolutely not.
A leader can unintentionally create fear, destroy trust, drive away talented employees, and damage an entire team. The employees experiencing that behavior don’t magically suffer less because the leader had good intentions.
But if you want to solve toxic leadership instead of simply labeling it, you need to understand what’s driving the behavior.
Some leaders know exactly what they’re doing and continue anyway. That requires a very different response.
Others have spent years operating with enormous blind spots while organizations rewarded their results and ignored the warning signs. Those leaders may be coachable, but first, someone has to help them see the gap between the leader they think they are and the leader everyone else experiences.
Toxic Leaders Can Change With the Right Support
Check out our ebook to determine whether a toxic leader can be successfully coached or whether keeping them poses more risk to your organization than value.
Over the years, we’ve had much success coaching leaders engaging in abrasive, toxic, disruptive, or bullying behaviors. We know in our heart of hearts that your partnership with us will make a world of difference in their success.
Let’s address the behavior before you lose the leader, the team, or both. Set up a time to talk with one of our advisors here.
PS: Join our Workplace Intelligence Series for practical, no-fluff conversations about the workplace challenges you’re actually dealing with, or bring your challenge to our Office Hours for a confidential conversation and expert advice tailored to your organization.
