Cognitive Modification Can Be Beneficial When Dealing With Ongoing Bullying

by Jul 21, 2012

A distinguished difference exists between aggressive, passive and assertive communication. Aggressive communication includes that which is designed to be hurtful, or violates another person, much like a bully’s style of communication. Passive communication, on the other hand, is often perceived by others as having a low concern for yourself, or lack in ability to “stand up” for your beliefs.

Assertive behavior refers to expressing yourself in ways that do not violate another person’s views, but still allows you to maintain concern for your own self and well-being. It refers to the ability to “stand up” for you, without hurting other’s feelings, or offending them or onlookers.

Further, we often compensate for another person’s communication when we feel uncomfortable. For example, if a person is standing in our personal space, we likely back up a little to alieve our uncomfortableness and gain more space. By doing so, we have managed to maintain respect for ourselves without offending the other person by asking them to back away. In another example, if a bully is communicating aggressively, we likely compensate with passive communication, simply because aggressive communication is hard to handle.

Having read that, now read the following scenario:

Your manager is a bully, and often takes credit for your work, downplays the fantastic job you do, generally interrupts you when you are speaking, and ignores your ideas. During a staff meeting, you are asked to provide a status report on the project you were assigned to do in coordination with your manager. As you flip open the notepad you jotted some notes on and begin to speak, your manager interrupts you and charges into a play-by-play of the project with seemingly no discount for your input or feelings.

Describe to a partner or write out how the scenario would play out if you re-acted to your manager’s behavior using aggressive communication, passive communication and assertive communication.

Now discuss which communication style seemed to work the best? What was good and bad about each scenario? How did you feel at the end of each scenario?

This activity is the beginning of a process called cognitive modification. This trick, perhaps most commonly used to develop public speaking abilities, allows you to envision a communication scenario before it occurs, and cognitively assess it so that you are more prepared for it. In this case, it allows you to envision “standing up for yourself” without being seen as aggressive or disrespectful by the bully or the other people in the staff meeting. (Not that we care about being disrespectful to someone who is disrespectful to us, however in a workplace it is important others see you as respectful.)

Think of real interactions you have had with a bully at work and what your communication looked like during these interactions. Were you aggressive, passive, or assertive? If you were aggressive or passive, how could you have modified your communication style to an assertive one?

Continue to envision typical or potential interactions you may have with a bully, and continue to envision what your assertive response to the bully’s aggressive communication looks like. Continue to think about, and talk yourself through, these scenarios so as to build up your assertive communication skills. When you find yourself in a situation much like the one described above, you will already have a “plan of attack” that will allow you to keep their self-respect and yours.

Do you know how much money chronically bad behavior costs your company? Spoiler alert – it’s a LOT higher than you want it to be. Download our data and worksheet to see how it’s costing your organization and what you can do to fix it.

 

Catherine

About Catherine Mattice

Catherine Mattice, MA, SPHR, SHRM-SCP, is the founder/CEO of Civility Partners, an organizational development firm focused on helping organizations create respectful workplace cultures and specializing in turning around toxic cultures. Civility Partners’ clients range from Fortune 500’s to small businesses across many industries. Catherine is a TEDx speaker and an HR thought-leader who has appeared in such venues as USA Today, Bloomberg, CNN, NPR, and many other national news outlets as an expert. She’s an award-winning speaker, author and blogger, and has 50+ courses reaching global audiences on LinkedIn Learning. Catherine’s award-winning book, BACK OFF! Your Kick-Ass Guide to Ending Bullying at Work, was hailed by international leadership-guru, Ken Blanchard, as, “the most comprehensive and valuable handbook on the topic.” Her latest book is Navigating Toxic Work Environments For Dummies (Wiley).

Navigating the Era of “Quiet DEI”

Companies across industries are changing how they talk about Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI). Not too long ago, DEI was splashed across annual reports, websites, and conference stages. Now? The phrase itself has become a political lightning rod, and many...

3 Cultural Faux Pas You Might Not Realize You’re Making

Cultural missteps happen to everyone, even the most seasoned leaders and global brands.  Recently, American Eagle launched a campaign featuring actress Sydney Sweeney with the tagline “Sydney Sweeney Has Great Genes.” The pun on “jeans” was meant to be playful, but it...

HR, Are You Part of the Incivility Problem?

You already know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of workplace “drama.” Complaints about rudeness, tension between team members, and employees quietly disengaging are all part of the daily grind. You know it’s expensive. You know it’s draining for you to...

4 Strategies to Infiltrate Civility Into Your Global Organization

At its core, civility is the foundation of a thriving culture. It shapes how people communicate, lead, resolve tension, and show up, especially when challenges arise. Civility doesn’t look the same everywhere, however. What feels respectful in one culture might come...

Is It Okay To Bully AI?

According to a Pew Research Center study, 79% of Americans interact with artificial intelligence (AI) almost constantly or several times a day. Gartner predicts that by 2026, 80% of enterprises will be using generative AI in some form. That means we’re not just...

What Exactly is Civility vs. Incivility?

August is National Civility Month! Civility has recently climbed to the top of search trends, and with SHRM’s #CivilityAtWork initiative, the conversation is gaining real traction. But here’s the question: do you truly understand what civility means in the workplace?...

Is your workforce survey measuring the right things?

Many HR leaders rely on employee surveys to gauge the health of the workplace culture, but not all surveys are created equal. Whether you're using an engagement survey, a Great Place to Work® survey, or another tool, the question is: Are you gathering the right data?...

Conscious Unbossing: Why Gen Z Is Saying “No Thanks” to Leadership Roles

According to DDI’s Global Leadership Forecast 2025, 80% of HR professionals lack confidence in their leadership pipelines. CEOs are just as concerned, ranking “developing the next generation of leaders” among their top four worries. Gen Z is shaking things up. They’re...

The Workplace Culture Model Every Leader Needs to Know

We all want a workplace where people feel seen, heard, and valued. But building that kind of culture takes more than good intentions and inspirational posters. It demands a clear-eyed look at how people behave, how leaders lead, and how the organization itself either...

From Desperation to Determination: Reflecting on 16 Years of Growth

I just got an email from a spammer offering SEO help for my very old website — www.NoWorkplaceBullies.com. I hadn’t thought about that site in ages, so I typed in the link... and there it was. The original website I built the day I started my business — though it...