What if we treated our employees and spouses/partners the same?

by Oct 31, 2019

Consider that employees come into your organization expecting to be valued, trusted, challenged and treated well. They want ongoing constructive and positive feedback, autonomy and teamwork, effective communication, and more.

Doesn’t all of that sound a lot like the same things we want from our spouses, partners, family and friends? And vice versa?

When it comes to employers, however, the feeling may not be mutual. Many employers want employees to work hard for whatever pay was offered. They want to give feedback but may not be interested in receiving it. They probably want communication about the status of employee projects, but may not deliver the same courtesy. The list goes on. 

But work is a relationship. You wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who expected you to do things that they weren’t willing to reciprocate, and why should your employees?  

Suddenly giving the annual performance appraisal doesn’t seem like a great idea. Imagine if we delivered that same conversation to our spouse or partner. Yikes. 

I really liked this comparison when I heard it from Jason Lauritsen, author of, Unlocking High Performance: How to Use Performance Management to Engage and Empower Employees to Reach Their Full Potential, who opened up an engagement conference I spoke at last week. The conference was put on by Achieve Engagement, and I picked up some great nuggets from several speakers that I’m going to share with you over the next few emails.

Jason’s speech reminded me of this blog post I wrote about psychological contracts with employees. I asked you to consider that new hires are essentially thinking, “this employer better furnish a safe and respectful work environment free of harm where I can be my best self,” while most employers aren’t even close to thinking about that.

Wouldn’t it be great to talk with employees about expectations on both sides? And rather than leave them as unsaid things floating around in our heads, we put them in writing? 

Check out my old post if you want to learn more about psychological contracts.

You might also remember we have a cool little tool we call Employee Engagement in a Box. Use the code eiabenewsletter to get it for $99, since you’re my email peeps. It’s normally $147.

Civility is the platform for organizational success—it is absolutely necessary for an organization to reach its goals. Download our Ebook on Seeking Civility to learn more on how to create a workplace free of bullying and abusive conduct.

 

Catherine

About Catherine Mattice

Catherine Mattice, MA, SPHR, SHRM-SCP, is the founder/CEO of Civility Partners, an organizational development firm focused on helping organizations create respectful workplace cultures and specializing in turning around toxic cultures. Civility Partners’ clients range from Fortune 500s to small businesses across many industries. Catherine is a TEDx speaker and an HR thought leader who has appeared in such venues as USA Today, Bloomberg, CNN, NPR, and many other national news outlets as an expert. She’s an award-winning speaker, author, and blogger and has 60+ courses reaching global audiences on LinkedIn Learning.  Her fourth book, Navigating Toxic Work Environments For Dummies (Wiley), is available in all major bookstores and where audiobooks are sold.

Should HR Come as a Pair? Compliance vs. Strategic HR

Have you ever noticed how small most HR teams are in comparison to everything they’re expected to do? In many organizations, HR makes up only about 2% of the workforce. Yet they’re responsible for the business’ most valuable asset - PEOPLE. That means culture and...

AI Prompts for Busy HR and Leaders Building Civil Cultures

You don’t struggle creating and managing a positive culture because you don’t care about it. You struggle because you don’t have the time. Between performance issues, leadership coaching, hiring, compliance, and “one more urgent fire,” culture work often gets pushed...

An Important Survey Question You’re Not Asking

Employee Appreciation Day is March 6th here in the United States, and with it often come social events, catered lunches, swag bags, and gift cards. It’s kind of annoying, if you ask me.  Not because you shouldn’t appreciate your people, but because leaders are fairly...

Hear From the Experts: What Really Happens in Upstander Training

We can tell you that our Upstander Training Toolkit really works in our emails. But the most powerful proof comes from our expert facilitators who deliver this very same training to our own clients. Dr. Toni Herndon and Dr. Bob Berk have facilitated this program to...

Why Organizations Create Toxic Rockstars (And How to Stop Them)

Research shows that more than 70% of employees report experiencing incivility or disrespectful behavior at work, and over half say these behaviors reduce their productivity and morale. Meanwhile, almost every HR or people leader has heard some version of these...

7 Questions to Answer Before Launching a Training Program

Organizations spend a staggering amount on training, yet the results often fall short.  In the United States alone, organizations invested $102.8 billion in training in 2025, up from $98 billion in 2024, yet research consistently shows that only 10–20% of training...

Is Your L&D Equipped to Support a Healthy Workplace?

Learning and Development (L&D) teams are drowning in activity. Leadership academies, compliance refreshers, microlearning libraries, LMS migrations, another platform, another rollout, another “strategic priority.” Motion is constant and it may be keeping your...

Culture Eats Your Policies for Breakfast

If I see or hear the quote, “Culture eats strategy for breakfast,” by Peter Drucker one more time, I might vomit. Everyone loves this phrase, but I’m convinced no one knows what it even means. If they did, Civility Partners would be out of a job. While I haven’t read...

Navigating a Toxic Workplace: Practical Strategies for Leaders, HR, and Employees

When toxic behavior - such as gossip, harsh sarcasm, incivility, rudeness, public shaming, serial interrupting, microaggressions, and unresolved conflict - is brushed off as personality differences or “not that bad” it normalizes the behavior. As leaders look the...

Start the Year on a Good Note (Literally): Your Workplace Playlist

Research consistently shows that music affects how our brains process emotion, connection, and stress. According to the American Psychological Association, music can reduce cortisol levels, helping lower stress and anxiety while improving emotional regulation. In...