Consider that abrasive leaders, or workplace bullies, engage in aggressive behavior mainly because they’ve been allowed to by their own boss, even encouraged to through promotions, accolades and increased pay.
Their high value to the organization (e.g., sales, organizational knowledge, professional network) means leadership works around them or ignores their behavior for fear that addressing it may end poorly. That is, leadership is worried the leader will retaliate with even worse behavior, or quitting and taking all of that high value to a competitor.
Failing to address the behavior certainly sends the message that it’s okay, and promoting the individual for their results without consideration for how they achieve them further solidifies the bad behavior.
I’ve found over the years in coaching these individuals that, as you’d expect, they lack social and emotional intelligence. What drives their behavior, however, is that they’re seeking to be seen as highly competent and are therefore focused on results and outcomes. They don’t intend to be a bully – they intend to get results – and the lack of social and emotional intelligence means they don’t understand the impact of their behavior. In fact, these leaders care deeply about the success of not only themselves, but their teams and the organization as a whole.
I’ve also found some other patterns over the years, including that these leaders have often learned to act this way during childhood or from an organization, and that they’ve been fighting to be seen as competent their entire lives. For example, one coaching client came to the US with no money in her pocket and no ability to speak English, and worked her way into a high-powered role in a pharmaceutical company. Another was the only female and only single parent in medical school, fighting to be seen as equal. Yet another had tried to get into the NFL after college but couldn’t, and the failure had clearly stuck with him.
Thankfully, employers can turn the tides and provide the opportunity for improvement via coaching.
Before Coaching Commences
It’s natural to avoid having a direct conversation with someone about their abrasive behavior; they’re high-conflict and aggressive, and the fear of them quitting is real. That never actually happens, though.
Instead, employers must set the stage for success by delivering a clear message about the behavior that must change, and expectations for doing so and by when. A consequence must also be in place to demonstrate that change is required. Otherwise the leader assumes this just another request to improve that they can ignore, because there’s never been consequences before.
I suggest employers state that while the consequence is very real, they know it won’t be needed because they believe in the leader’s ability to change. So much so, that they’re going to invest in coaching.
Coaching Abrasive Leaders
Now that the leader is fully aware of the reality of the situation, they need to understand how they’re truly perceived so they can change it. Holding up the mirror is a key step in the coaching process, and the process unfolds as follows:
1. Collect Feedback
Begin the coaching process by gathering feedback from peers and subordinates identified by both the client and employer. I first obtain the leader’s permission to interview eight to ten people, whom the client then invites to participate in the coaching process. I also get permission to interview three to five coworkers who have confidentially raised concerns with the employer, and ask the employer to invite those individuals to participate in interviews. These “confidential add-ons” provide additional anonymity in the feedback document provided to the leader, and ensure the scope of perceptions collected through interviews is wide.
2. Deliver Feedback
After the interviews, anonymize and organize the feedback into themes for the client to review. This feedback, often 15-20 pages long, highlights specific behaviors that generate negative perceptions. The impact of their behavior is no longer hearsay from the boss or HR, who may have asked the leader to be nicer in the past, but without any real examples or consequences to ensure the message got through. The leader is now faced with the decision to own up to the behavior and change, or accept the employer’s consequence.
Clients’ reactions vary from shock and defensiveness to acceptance and sadness. Initially unaware of their impact on others, the feedback can be jolting. Yet, clients are motivated to engage in coaching because they fear incompetence, and the feedback has underscored their incompetent leadership.
3. Engage in Coaching
An effective coaching program uses the methods of Dr. Laura Crawshaw, a pioneer in the workplace bullying space. One model she uses is the very simple and instinctual idea of “fight or flight”. This is such an easy way to explain behavior – the abrasive leader’s feedback highlights that they are “fighting”, which means they feel threatened (by incompetence). The feedback also highlights that everyone else is “fleeing” by avoiding the leader, creating special processes to avoid them, and so on.
The goal of coaching is to assist the leader in noticing when people flee or fight, assess why they do that (i.e., what they’re threatened by), and adjust behavior accordingly.
For example, one coaching client said no one speaks up in the Monday morning meetings (i.e., they flee via silence). So I asked, “What are they afraid of?” He suggested that they were lazy, or afraid their ideas weren’t good enough. After pointing to his feedback, which indicated he is argumentative and unable to control his emotions, he determined that people were afraid of him. Now he understands the damage his behavior is causing; the team isn’t incompetent, they’re afraid of him.
4. Ensure the Abrasive Leader’s Boss is Checking In
One effective approach is to include coaching the abrasive leader’s boss, because the boss has obviously been “fleeing” the conversations needed for accountability. I hold three coaching sessions with the boss, and require that the boss is checking in regularly with the abrasive leader. This shows the leader that the boss is invested, and willing to step out of their own comfort zone to help the abrasive leader be successful.
5. Second Round of Interviews
After three to four months of coaching, a second round of peer interviews assesses progress. The feedback highlights improvements in coworkers’ perceptions and identifies areas needing further focus. As before, interview notes are themed and shared with the client in a document.
After Coaching
Employers should continue to check in with the leader and hold them accountable to the expectations set out at the beginning. If needed, remind the leader that the consequence is always on the table.
Checking in is paramount to success because coaching is only a moment in time focused on teaching new habits. Breaking old habits and engaging in new ones will take time – and accountability.
Abrasive Leaders can Change
Abrasive leaders can change with the right support. Employers must enforce healthy and respectful behavior for everyone, including high performers, to ensure a safe workplace. They need to set limits and consequences for abrasive behavior. Failure to do so signals acceptance of destructive leadership styles, which causes distress in employees and harms retention and reputation.
About the Author
Catherine Mattice, MA, SPHR, SHRM-SCP, is the founder/CEO of Civility Partners, a strategic organizational development firm focused on helping organizations create respectful workplace cultures and specializing in turning around toxic cultures. Civility Partners’ clients range from Fortune 500’s to small businesses across many industries. Catherine is a TEDx speaker and an HR thought-leader who has appeared in such venues as CNN, NPR, and many other national news outlets as an expert. She’s an award-winning speaker, author and blogger, and has 50+ courses reaching global audiences on LinkedIn Learning.
