Four Steps to Dealing with Difficult People

by Feb 3, 2020

Difficult people are everywhere. It’s likely you have encountered someone at work who struggles to connect with others in a positive way, whether because they are a downer, a one-upper, a gossip, or other reason. While difficult people come in many forms, they all have the power to completely suck the life out of you and your team.

I was recently up at LifeSpeak filming courses on this very topic (don’t worry, I’ll let you know when it’s available), and since we’ve all dealt with difficult people I thought I’d offer up some of my tips.

First, make a choice about your attitude. The fact is that while it is easy to point fingers at someone, you cannot change them and can only change yourself. By taking responsibility for your own role in the situation, you can become a better leader by becoming a better relationship builder.

Second, don’t take it personally. Everyone has needs, and this difficult person’s needs have nothing to do with you. So take the time to understand someone better by asking open-ended questions such as, “Tell me what is going on so I can understand where you are coming from,” it will help you understand what drives this person, and then you can maneuver your interactions with them accordingly.

Third, maintain self-control. Be aware of your instincts and feelings, recognize the situation, apply consciousness, and choose your actions wisely. Be present and aware of how you feel, so that you can avoid reacting to your negative feelings towards the difficult person. Using coping mechanisms such as deep breaths, meditating, walking, or politely exiting a situation can also help you take the proper action instead of reacting instinctually. In the end, you are the one with the power to change your own attitude.

Fourth, set boundaries and respect other people’s boundaries. One way to do that is to try something like, “I understand that you are frustrated, but when you criticize my work in that tone of voice it feels like you don’t value me. In the future, I’d like to try asking you to explain things to me so I can learn.” Notice that I first empathized, and then provided insight as to how I feel and what I need instead.

Fifth, ask a lot of questions. We don’t like difficult people because their behavior takes our power and we don’t have control in our interactions with them. Take back your power, and put the bad behavior on hold, by disrupting it with questions. If someone is gossiping, for example, try, “What is your intention in telling me this story about Sharon?” If someone is taking up your time blabbing on about their weekend, try, “Do you mind if I finish what I’m working on, and then if I have time later today I’ll stop in and you can finish your story?”

Finally, if you need to, try talking to the other person about their behavior in private. Make sure you do so in a neutral place and focus on the behavior they have been exhibiting rather than the person themselves. Provide specific examples, and be open to the other person’s feedback. This conversation should be a collaborative one focused on building your work relationship. Focus on “fixing” the difficult personality problems, and it won’t work.

Try these steps, and become a better relationship builder.

Sincerely,
Catherine

Do you know how much money chronically bad behavior costs your company? Spoiler alert – it’s a LOT higher than you want it to be. Download our data and worksheet to see how it’s costing your organization and what you can do to fix it.

 

About Catherine Mattice

Catherine Mattice, MA, SPHR, SHRM-SCP is President of consulting and training firm, Civility Partners, and has been successfully providing programs in workplace bullying and building positive workplaces since 2007. Her clients include Fortune 500’s, the military, several universities and hospitals, government agencies, small businesses and nonprofits. She has published in a variety of trade magazines and has appeared several times on NPR, FOX, NBC, and ABC as an expert, as well as in USA Today, Inc Magazine, Huffington Post, Entrepreneur Magazine, and more. Catherine is Past-President of the Association for Talent Development (ATD), San Diego Chapter and teaches at National University. In his book foreword, Ken Blanchard called her book, BACK OFF! Your Kick-Ass Guide to Ending Bullying at Work, “the most comprehensive and valuable handbook on the topic.” She recently released a second book entitled, SEEKING CIVILITY: How Leaders, Managers and HR Can Create a Workplace Free of Bullying.

How Companies Can Support Single Parents

Single parents face increased pressure as they balance full-time employment with the responsibility of caring for their children. This heightened pressure comes from various factors, such as economic challenges, limited support systems, and the need to provide for...

Why Your Reward System For Employees Can Fail Badly

Last week marked the celebration of Employee Appreciation Day! During this special time, many companies express their gratitude to their workforce, and one common way they do it is by giving out rewards.  Reward systems are a crucial aspect of employee motivation and...

Can a Wage Increase Make Employees More Productive?

In California, the upcoming minimum wage boost for fast food workers to $20 starting April 1st has ignited discussions about its potential influence on worker productivity.  Currently, the median hourly wage for fast-food workers in the U.S. is $13.43, while in...

Why Every Leader Needs to Worry About Toxic Work Culture

Employees quit their jobs for different reasons, and a major one is because of a toxic workplace environment. In fact, researchers discovered that between April and September 2021, toxic culture was the main reason why employees decided to leave their jobs. A toxic...

Civility Partners at 15 Years!

2024 marks an incredible milestone for us—our 15th-anniversary celebration! Yes, you read that right—15 years of making a positive impact on over 270 organizations served, thousands of employees, and millions of people worldwide! Thanks to the vision of our founder...

Driving Organizational Success Through Behavior Change

How can you make your workplace more exciting and successful?  Organizational success is not solely dependent on strategies or cutting-edge technologies. Instead, the key driver of success lies within the organization itself—specifically, within the collective...

How Much is Your Culture Costing You?

Creating a positive workplace culture isn't just a nice-to-have; it's a key player in the success of any business. It goes beyond token gestures like wellness days and promotions; it's fundamentally about how you treat your people, the support you extend to your team,...

Are you bamboozled by your company’s culture?

Your first day at a new job is a lot like embarking on an adventure. You step through the doors, eager and optimistic, your mind filled with expectations set by the promises of the company’s values and mission. For some, these principles are more than just words on a...

The Brave Leader’s Edge: Vulnerability in Leadership

How many times have you cried in front of your team? How many times have you admitted to not having all the answers or feeling unsure about the direction ahead? In the traditional realm of leadership, these instances might have been considered taboo or signs of...

3 Organizations that are Combating Technology-Facilitated Abuse

The reach of technology is astonishingly broad. It's awesome how it brings us all closer, but when it's not handled well, it can cause some serious problems too. From monitoring phone conversations to tracking someone's every move through GPS, access to emails, texts,...