Four Tips for Responding to a Hostile Email

by Feb 22, 2017

In preparing for my upcoming webinar on workplace violence, I’ve been thinking about how hostile emails fit into the conversation.

We’ve all received a hostile email at least once in our lives. Perhaps it was from an angry customer, a bullying co-worker, or a boss who thought reaming you would improve your performance. Or maybe you’ve even received several hostile emails over time from the same person…

To find out the best way to deal with hostile emails, I asked my friend and colleague, Bill Eddy, founder of the High Conflict Institute, for guidance. Bill is an attorney, mediator and therapist, and the author of several books, including, BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns, among several others.

According to Bill, the first step in responding to hostile emails is to ask yourself if they truly need an answer; not all emails need a response. If your co-worker or boss is just on a rant with nothing important to say then don’t respond, as tempting as it may be to fire back.

A hostile email may deserve a response, however, if it was cc’ed to others or has a lot of untrue information. For example, if the email claims you failed at your portion of the team’s project, and the email is cc’ed to the boss, then you may want to respond – but only to the inaccurate statements. Avoid getting sucked in with your own emotions.

Here are tips for responding to a hostile email

When responding, Bill suggests using his BIFF response:

1. Brief: A brief response reduces the chances of an angry back and forth. Brief signals you don’t take the other person’s statements seriously and keeps you out of sending anything resembling a personal attack. Focus only on the facts and make no comments about character or personality.

2. Informative: Remember the point of your response is to correct inaccurate statements. Focus on the accurate statements you want to make and offer facts only.

3. Friendly: A hostile response will elicit a hostile response back. A friendly response is focused on de-escalation, and other email recipients will notice that your response is clearly very different than the other person’s hostile email. Try as hard as you can to sound as relaxed and empathetic as possible.

4. Firm: Avoid comments that invite more discussion. You might even try, “This is all I will say on this issue,” or, “This conversation is over.”

If you do get another hostile email in response to your BIFF, don’t respond. You have stated the facts and attempted to end the conflict so your part is done. Do not engage.

Bill says that if you absolutely do have to respond, try copying and pasting parts or all of your former email to show that you aren’t spending time on the conflict and have moved on.

When do hostile emails count as workplace violence?

You might think hostile emails must include something like a threat of violence or racial slur to be considered workplace violence or discrimination. Certainly, they don’t need either of these to be workplace bullying… but what about violence? Does a hostile email that says you are an idiot, written in all caps and in 18 point-font, count as workplace violence?

Honestly, I am not 100% sure of the answer and I figured you might not be either. To get answers, join me and another colleague, workplace violence expert Sue Hoffman, from Workplace Guardians, on March 3.

We are doing a free webinar at 10 am Pacific Time. Click here to get your spot.

I look forward to seeing you there!

Catherine

PS: The webinar will also delve into different types of violence and steps to keeping your organization safe. I don’t think you’ll want to miss it! Claim your seat.

Let’s create a plan to build a positive workplace! | Invite Catherine to speak | Check out our webinar library

Do you know how much money chronically bad behavior costs your company? Spoiler alert – it’s a LOT higher than you want it to be. Download our data and worksheet to see how it’s costing your organization and what you can do to fix it.

 

Catherine

About Catherine Mattice

Catherine Mattice, MA, SPHR, SHRM-SCP, is the founder/CEO of Civility Partners, an organizational development firm focused on helping organizations create respectful workplace cultures and specializing in turning around toxic cultures. Civility Partners’ clients range from Fortune 500’s to small businesses across many industries. Catherine is a TEDx speaker and an HR thought-leader who has appeared in such venues as USA Today, Bloomberg, CNN, NPR, and many other national news outlets as an expert. She’s an award-winning speaker, author and blogger, and has 50+ courses reaching global audiences on LinkedIn Learning. Catherine’s award-winning book, BACK OFF! Your Kick-Ass Guide to Ending Bullying at Work, was hailed by international leadership-guru, Ken Blanchard, as, “the most comprehensive and valuable handbook on the topic.” Her latest book is Navigating Toxic Work Environments For Dummies (Wiley).

Take Care of Your Employees’ Mental Health: Employers’ Role in Addressing Burnout (Excerpt from For Dummies)

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. A good time to reflect on how work environments either support or sabotage employee well-being. Burnout is on the rise and employers’ role in addressing burnout has never been more important. If you’ve ever worked in a toxic...

4 Essential Positive Workplace Training Topics (Excerpt from For Dummies)

I’m just going to jump right in here and say that training alone won’t fix toxic behavior or turn around your toxic workplace. If it could, we’d all be ordering workshops like takeout. When positive workplace training topics are done right as part of a broader and...

3 Remote-Specific Challenges & How to Overcome Them (Excerpt from For Dummies)

May 1st is International Workers’ Day. Hooray! I don’t know about you, but I am so thankful and grateful for my overseas team members. They are the wheels that keep this company moving forward! Now that that’s out of my system, let’s talk about you. Whether you have...

Diversity Isn’t a Dirty Word: Where We Went Wrong

Earlier this year, I wrote a blog titled “DEI needed if hiring on merit is your goal” in response to Trump’s vow to “create a society that is blind to color and based on merit”. Based on the response I received, it quickly became clear that Trump isn’t the only one...

4 Smart Ways to Use AI to Build Civility at Work

Use AI to build civility. SHRM reports that 66% of U.S. employees have experienced or witnessed incivility at work. And those moments of disrespect don’t stay isolated. They ripple. Research from Christine Porath at Georgetown University shows that incivility is...

Offensive Terms to Avoid: What You Say Matters More Than You Think

According to SHRM, 66% of U.S. employees have experienced or witnessed incivility in their workplace. The most common forms include addressing others disrespectfully and interrupting others while they are speaking. Meanwhile, a Deloitte survey reveals that 84% of...

Celebrate Diversity With Music: A Playlist for Inclusivity

A few years back, we put together a playlist for inclusivity in the office and it quickly became one of our most popular blogs, proving that something as simple as music can strike a big chord (pun intended) as people find solidarity in it. So we thought, why not do...

Join our FREE WEBINAR – Fostering a Workplace Where Feedback Fuels Change

Imagine this: A senior leader makes an offhanded, inappropriate remark in a team meeting. The room tenses, eyes drop, and a few uncomfortable chuckles fill the silence. No one speaks up. You’re caught off guard, unsure what to do. Later, someone from that meeting...

Silence Is Not Golden: 5 Ways Lack of Feedback Kills Productivity

Whenever you search on Google or ask ChatGPT for something, you get an answer in a snap. An unintended result of this technology is that we expect immediate feedback from people, too. A lack of feedback kills productivity.  In 2008, tech scholar Nicholas Carr raised a...

5 Ways to Give Feedback to a Toxic Worker About Their Toxic Behavior

If you’ve landed on this page, chances are you’re looking for answers. Maybe you’ve tried everything, or maybe you’re bracing yourself for a conversation you’d rather not have. Or you don't know how to give feedback to a toxic worker about their behavior. Either way,...